After bunches of email requests (surprisingly so), here's my official and completed list (at least, for now) of DJ Premier jokes.
Enjoy.
WHY DJ PREMIER REMAINS THE BADDEST MAN IN HIPHOP:
1)Marshall Mathers was born with a stammer, a love of Hewy Lewis and the News plus a penchant for penny-loafers that lasted until he was a tween. Then he heard a cassette of No More Mr. Nice Guy from some black kid over on 7th mile... The rest is history.
2) The real reason Dr. Jan operated on Kanye's momma despite the risks: "...I found the new Primo."
3)What's taking Jesus so long to comeback? Primo hasn't finished "the Militia, pt. 4" yet. (Hey, even the Lord deserves dope theme music.)
4)Guru was really just Primo's sock puppet. (And P was drinking vodka during all those rhymes.)
5)The true reason for the Detox delay: Dre's gotta finish polishing Primo's jock first.
6)Premo made G-Dep sound dope. I repeat, Premo actually made G-Dep sound dope.
7)50 would've gotten shot 10 times, but a Premo track scared off the 10th round.
8)Amy Winehouse heard Christina Aguilera sing and said, "I could do that." Then Amy heard “Still Dirrty”. She’s been relapsing ever since.
9)The only lyrics on the Clipse's next album will be Malice and Pusha yelling "doper than Premo!" Rolling Stone magazine will hail it a masterpiece of minimalist drug-induced poetry.
10)Instead of writing to them for their new album as asked, Guru simply sniffed up Prem's most recent 8 tracks. He’s still in rehab as we speak. (Hope that mainline of Trackmasters joints helps.)
11)When he gets together enough cash to hire DJ Premier as the producer, Fred Durst will attempt a comeback. He will promptly be crowned savior of "hipster hop".
12)Premo's recently remixed James Brown's catalog. James is now risen, and chillin' in Monte Carlo, all tax sheltered-up with Tupac and Elvis laughing at the 150 women trying to claim his estate.
13)The other reason for the Detox delay: Every time Premo sends a beat tape to Dre, Premo’s beats kick Dre’s beats in the nuts.
14)M.O.P. really ain’t that angry—they just act that way to prevent Premo’s beats from mashing on ‘em.
15)Em’s not retired. He just owes Premo some lyrics—and until Premo’s beats approve, Em’s gotta do rewrites.
16)While white celebs were adopting African babies, Premo adopted a white one—and hence El-P and Def Jux were born.
17)Freddie Foxxx doesn’t scare me anymore… Bump Knuckles armed with Premo tracks still gives me the creeps.
18)FULL CLIP. (Like there was any other name that would’ve worked.)
19)No vest. No guns. No bodyguards. Just a tape of fresh beats... That’s all the protection Premo needs, really.
20)Premo beats don’t rock crowds—just the floors and walls around the crowds. (The remaining movement come from the crowds trying to maintain their equilibrium.)
21)Premier doesn't use samples—he just accepts the sacrifices made by songs and sounds left at his altar.
22)Premo doesn't need radio stations; receivers and speakers will zero-in on his sound on their own—that is, if they know what's good for 'em.
v23)When rappers announce their retirement it's really shorthand for, "Premo just called me up and said I sucked so now I'm doubting myself."
24)Premo doesn't scratch by hand—he just scares his LPs into cutting themselves.
25)In the tradition of great hiphop entrepreneurs, Premo will debut his new cologne in 2008. Its name: Piss 'n' Vinegar by Premier.
26) Premo doesn’t do sample clearances; samples just show up gift-wrapped with attached notes reading, “Dear Preme, Return at your convenience, just don’t hurt the publisher. Love, ASCAP/BMI.”
27) Why is there so much homophobia in hiphop? Male emcees hear Premo beats and promptly question their own manhood. Females hear Premo beats and, well you know the rest...
28) Premo is so hood that he sweats cement...
29) ...and craps concrete.
30) ...and has been known to wipe with Billboard Magazine and Program Directors' playlists.
31) When Premo dies his tombstone will read— oh, who are we kidding? Death ain’t messin’ with Premo.
32) "Fear? Fear is for emcees!" DJ Premier.
33) When emcees spit bar after bar of threats at seemingly anonymous foes, they're actually trying to scare Premo's beats from sneaking up on their rhymes.
34) The real reason Twista can spit so fast: Premo's beats have been chasing him since his Chicago days.
35) Jeru The Damaja with beats by Premo... Jeru The Damaja without beats by Premo. (‘Nuf Said.)
36) Of course Nas rapped with razor blades under his tongue on Illmatic—he was in the booth with Premo beats.
37) Heavy Metal is really the result of guitarists trying to keep up with... oh, you get the point.
38) ) Premo tried to launch a fashion line in 1994. But stores weren't feeling the Kevlar drawers back then.
39) Premo won't retire, he'll just turn himself in.
40) The real reason Osama Bin Laden is still in hiding... He heard Premier is looking for him.
41) What got John McCain thru his hostage ordeal? Premo's hardest beats mixtape...
42) Quickest way to get Al Queda to surrender: Play the instrumentals to Militia I-III on loudspeakers all over Iraq...
