I like big movies. I like movies with big stars. I like movies that have scale to 'em. I like watching a movie and thinking, "Yo, this must've cost a fortune and took forever to shoot!" But watching the trailer for AUSTRALIA has reminded me of certain things about Hollywood.
Whenever you hear the word "sweeping epic" attached to a movie you can be assured of the following:
1) It's long... As in "hours"–with a couple "s"—long.
2) It will exceed the cost of a most new luxury high-rise developments in expense.
3) All the main characters White. And not just white, but pale bordering on pasty. At the very least, the actress must be skinny and white. (Not sure why, but them's the rules.)
4) They've probably got accents. (think: British or something euro-centric or Aussie-ish.)
5) If there is a major Character of Color in the movie, she/he'll be an over-the-top clownish sidekick or a trite, ham-fisted symbol for some larger problem the white characters must confront/champion.
6) The soundtrack will be packed with classical, obscure and/or really loud instrumentals. (In short, music you'll never voluntarily listen beyond watching this movie.)
7) Critics that no one's ever heard of or cares about will "hail" it. (You must "hail" an epic as opposed simply liking it or celebrating it.)
Now, from the looks of things this AUSTRALIA thingy, is gonna meet all my expectations and then some.
Anyone who's ever studied the history of Oz (I have) knows that it's not even close to what this thing is hinting at showing. Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman... at least they're actually Australian. Though I love this headline from ScreenIndia on the film's stars and crew in dealing with an aborigine kid they cast in the flick: "Australia makers vow to protect aboriginal boy star."
Yeah, because they've done such a bang-up job in dealing with Aboriginal folks so far. No doubt we'll never hear from this kid again in life. Maybe he'll get the Graham Greene treatment and be the only working Aboriginal cat in Hollywood.
So yeah, AUSTRALIA!!!! coming to a joint near you.
(And yup, I intentionally avoided mentioning the shrimp on the barbie guy. 'Member him?)
