The greatest hiphop song of all time does not belong to Jay-Z, Melle Mel or Rakim. Not Souljah Boy, not Nas, not Lauryn Hill or the Sugar Hill Gang or even LL....
Nope.
The greatest hiphop song ever recorded is from emcee Morris Day.
Don't believe me? Watch this:
The year was 1981. It was the year hiphop died—and I can prove it:
I was still in LEE Jeans and “biscuit toes”. (That’s what we called Chuck Taylor’s on Chi-town’s west side. (Their rubber toes reminded us of momma’s biscuits. Chuck’s was the shoes the po’ kids wore.)
So, it was ’81… Jheri curls was coming in. Hard.
Light skinned-ed brothers were kickin’ in doors drippin’ curl juice and passing paper bag tests left, right 'n' side ways. And you had to rock it like a ghetto pompadour, too. (Don’t ask.)
And you didn’t just play music; you had to play an instrument—a “real” instrument. And no, you couldn’t show up in a funky Hanes undershirt and some Levis playing it. No. You needed to be dressed.
In a suit… to the Nines…
Like The Time.
Jerome, where’s my mirror?!
Now, as tight as this band was. As hot as this still groove is…
Did y’all catch the words?
Did you really?
I don’t think so. Because if you did, you can argue that “Cool” has to rank as either the one of the all-time dopest hiphop joints ever, or the song that arguably poisoned the hiphop well before it ever got started.
Then again, you could also make the argument that, given all these cats’ incredible sense of humor, that they were totally making fun of every stereotype and convention ever saddled on black men and black music and that this is the greatest piece of satire (musical or otherwise) this side of Jonathan Swift; and that Weird Al Yankovic was never, ever–not even in his Eat It—days, this clever.
Don't believe me? Well, check the rhyme:
Song: COOL
Lyrics: The Time & Jamie Starr aka (“You Know who he be”)
“I got a penthouse in Manhattan, two more in Malibu.
I bought a '87 Cadillac Seville, girl I got a Mazarati too.
I wear diamonds on my fingers; I got a couple on my toes.
I wear the finest perfume money can buy; it keeps me smellin' like a rose.
If you wonder how I do it, there's just one simple rule.
I'm just cool. Cool. Honey, baby, can't you see?
Girl, I'm so cool. Cool! Ain't nobody bad like me!
C-O-O-L.
What's that spell? C O O L.
I might dine in San Francisco… Dance all night in Rome.
I go any freakin' place I want to, and my Lear Jet brings me home.
I got ladies by the dozens, I got money by the ton.
Just ain't nobody better, heaven knows that I'm the one.
And it's all because of something that I didn't learn in school.
I'm just cool. Honey, baby, can't you see?
Girl, I'm so cool. Ain't nobody bad like me?
Sing it baby. - C O O L.
What's that spell? - C O O L.
That spell cool. - Cool.
What time is it?
Listen baby, it takes a lot of lovin' and a little money to be a friend of mine.
But baby, if you know how to shake that thing, I'll try to squeeze a little time.
‘Cuz I make love, love every mornin' to who's ever by my side.
Well, you might say that I'm a nymphomaniac, but it keeps me satisfied.
When I look into the mirror, it just tells me something I already know.
I'm so cool! Uh-oh, Honey, baby, can't you see?
Girl, I'm so cool. Ain't nobody bad like me!
Sing it! C-O-O-L.
What's that spell? – C-O-O-L.
What time is it? - Cool.
I'm so cool.
Band!!!
Now, understand, these are the shortened versioned. The full-length album version is 10 minutes long where Morris riffs on being badder than Santa Claus, etc. Talking women into bed…
It’s like a blueprint for ever emcee that ever followed. And again, this song is like 25 years old.
Band! What’s that spell?
Now tell me COOL didn’t kill it. Tell that don’t sound like every emcee in the last 25 years, just funnier? It’s LL Cool J, Jay-Z, Run (without the Rev), Kurtis Blow rulin’ the world, Nelly, Cash Money Boys flossin’… this is all of their braggin’ and boastin’ and riding on more hellacious-galactic-Buck-Rodger’s-g’d-up-funk than all the Neptune’s tracks put together.
Them Minneapolis Mobsters were a subversive bunch, wuzn’t they?
And of course, this is just the “radio” version. (The album version isn’t dirtier, it’s just longer—as in 10 minutes and 3 seconds of mo’ grooves, mo’ braggin’ mo’ lyrics and mo’ fiya!
Now tell me, that ain’t cool?
