Welcome to Crooklyn
Airports warn you to keep your eyes on your luggage. Restaurants and nightclubs tell you to watch your personal belongings. But for my money, every corporate joint ought to post signs right in the lobby reading, “Not responsible for lost or stolen items,” because there are thieves in the temple. And I’m not just talking about 401k raiders and corporate book-cookers; I’m talking about actual pickpockets, larcenists, burglars, grifters, and plain ole crooks.
I’ve seen people get ripped off at every company I’ve ever worked. I’m talking about stolen cellphones, PDAs, jewelry, CDs, CD players, watches, purses, wallets, credit cards, payroll checks, software, laptops and computer equipment, loose change, petty cash, office supplies… And don’t even think about leaving your food lying around—that’s ‘community property’. But you name it, and as sure as I’m breathing, corporate crooks have stolen it, are currently stealing it, and will steal it again.
And what’s worse is many of ‘em are just stupid. They’ll steal something from work then bring it back to work like it’s theirs and be all shocked when they get caught. Or they’ll steal stuff that’s monogrammed, tailored or something they couldn’t possibly afford on their own which prompts anyone who sees them with it to think, “So who’d you steal that from?”
But the worst part of it all is there’s no retribution. On the block when people steal, you find them and you beat them. If you catch them in the act, you shoot them. If you’re nice you call the cops so they can shoot ‘em… but not in the business world.
Nope.
Steal in Corporate America and you might catch a minimum-security bid—that’s if they’re really mad at you. Steal enough, and you can become a Jay Leno punchline. But touched? Un-uh. You can’t go beating up exec; besides getting hemmed up for assault, you might get sued. Nope, when you get ripped off at the office, you pretty much have to take it.
When I was a teenager my pops said, “Son, the worst thing a man can be is a liar and a thief.” He wasn’t a businessman but he definitely knew business. But truthfully, I can’t be mad. Complaining about greed and thievery in business is like complaining about herpes outbreaks on Spring Break. Anyway, if you’re in business watch your stuff—things have a habit of walking away out there.
I’ve seen people get ripped off at every company I’ve ever worked. I’m talking about stolen cellphones, PDAs, jewelry, CDs, CD players, watches, purses, wallets, credit cards, payroll checks, software, laptops and computer equipment, loose change, petty cash, office supplies… And don’t even think about leaving your food lying around—that’s ‘community property’. But you name it, and as sure as I’m breathing, corporate crooks have stolen it, are currently stealing it, and will steal it again.
And what’s worse is many of ‘em are just stupid. They’ll steal something from work then bring it back to work like it’s theirs and be all shocked when they get caught. Or they’ll steal stuff that’s monogrammed, tailored or something they couldn’t possibly afford on their own which prompts anyone who sees them with it to think, “So who’d you steal that from?”
Nope.
Steal in Corporate America and you might catch a minimum-security bid—that’s if they’re really mad at you. Steal enough, and you can become a Jay Leno punchline. But touched? Un-uh. You can’t go beating up exec; besides getting hemmed up for assault, you might get sued. Nope, when you get ripped off at the office, you pretty much have to take it.
When I was a teenager my pops said, “Son, the worst thing a man can be is a liar and a thief.” He wasn’t a businessman but he definitely knew business. But truthfully, I can’t be mad. Complaining about greed and thievery in business is like complaining about herpes outbreaks on Spring Break. Anyway, if you’re in business watch your stuff—things have a habit of walking away out there.
Scheming on taking what your brother has?
You little sucker—you talkin’ all that jazz!
—Daddy-O & Wise
Wanna Bet?
Like it or not, corporate gambling is as rampant as memos and suits. Nationwide, companies have office pools for everything: Fantasy Leagues. Boxing. The NFL. The Final Four. The NBA. BCS games. The Stanley Cup. The World Series. The Olympics. NASCAR. Horseracing. Elections. Award shows… Looking back, I can’t remember a month where someone wasn’t taking or placing bets on something.
And the best part? It’s usually done out in the open. We had brackets and squares posted on office bulletin boards. We sent out reminder emails and interoffice memos. If you had time, you threw up a makeshift website and took bets online. And when the time came, you went around collecting cash/paying off the winner(s). It was mostly nickel-n-dime stuff—$5 or $10 bets here ‘n’ there among colleagues. But for more than a few I knew it became a nice sideline business. Let me explain:
Take an average company with let’s say, 50-100 employees. Figure half go in at 5 or 10 bucks a pop on their alma mater’s college hoops game—that’s $200-$500, easy. (I’ve seen some March Madness pools pull thousands.) Now consider all those sporting events I mentioned earlier: multiple opportunities every month for 12 months with repeat customers betting a day or two’s lunch money just for kicks.
Now figure some enterprising lads decide that coworkers aren’t enough; so they start taking action from other companies. Maybe they just focus on companies where their friends work, or local companies within their industry. Now, we’re talking hundreds, even thousands of people betting those $5 to $20 clips. Next, they throw up a website with passwords and an out-of-state ISP to keep the law off their tails... Next thing you know, you’re pulling thousands of dollars per event, easy. Shave 10 or 15 percent off the top for your troubles and watch out.
Now figure this is all real and it’s going on in every big city across the country. Hundreds, make that thousands, of inconspicuous corporate folks gambling. Offshore casinos. Online and over-the-phone betting… And believe me, it’s even more rampant on college campuses. (But hey, in the end, it’s all just a couple extra bucks between friends, right?)
And like I said about the drugs and drinking, as long as it didn’t interfere with company business, I had coworkers who were and still are full-blown bookies on company time. And since the higher-ups were often betting right along with us, they usually let it slide. But hey, whaddya expect when the world’s biggest casino is in downtown Manhattan?
Don’t sleep: Wall Street is one big “My company’s better than yours” roll of the dice. Most stockbrokers are just puffed-up bookies. It’s no coincidence some in the trading pits are called runners. And if you’ve ever been on the floor of the NYSE, the CBOT, or the NIKKEI, you’ve seen the pit bosses and security guards. You’ve seen the whales and the sharks gawking at the boards like they’re slot machines or blackjack tables. You’ve seen the suckers and the little fish ready to slit their wrists because they just lost everything on a tip. It’s all gambling. The only difference between The Strip and The Exchange is Wall Street handles more action and attracts uglier women. Vegas might have better drugs and I do mean might.
Personally, I trust the faceless mob families in the gaming industry more than I trust that book-cooking-backroom-deal-cutting Federal Reserve/SEC/FCC/FTC/FDA syndicate. And long as the powers-that-be are running things the odds will never be in your favor, not without inside info. At least in Vegas, Atlantic City, etc. they tell you going in:
The House always wins in the end.
And the best part? It’s usually done out in the open. We had brackets and squares posted on office bulletin boards. We sent out reminder emails and interoffice memos. If you had time, you threw up a makeshift website and took bets online. And when the time came, you went around collecting cash/paying off the winner(s). It was mostly nickel-n-dime stuff—$5 or $10 bets here ‘n’ there among colleagues. But for more than a few I knew it became a nice sideline business. Let me explain:
Take an average company with let’s say, 50-100 employees. Figure half go in at 5 or 10 bucks a pop on their alma mater’s college hoops game—that’s $200-$500, easy. (I’ve seen some March Madness pools pull thousands.) Now consider all those sporting events I mentioned earlier: multiple opportunities every month for 12 months with repeat customers betting a day or two’s lunch money just for kicks.
Now figure some enterprising lads decide that coworkers aren’t enough; so they start taking action from other companies. Maybe they just focus on companies where their friends work, or local companies within their industry. Now, we’re talking hundreds, even thousands of people betting those $5 to $20 clips. Next, they throw up a website with passwords and an out-of-state ISP to keep the law off their tails... Next thing you know, you’re pulling thousands of dollars per event, easy. Shave 10 or 15 percent off the top for your troubles and watch out.
Now figure this is all real and it’s going on in every big city across the country. Hundreds, make that thousands, of inconspicuous corporate folks gambling. Offshore casinos. Online and over-the-phone betting… And believe me, it’s even more rampant on college campuses. (But hey, in the end, it’s all just a couple extra bucks between friends, right?)
And like I said about the drugs and drinking, as long as it didn’t interfere with company business, I had coworkers who were and still are full-blown bookies on company time. And since the higher-ups were often betting right along with us, they usually let it slide. But hey, whaddya expect when the world’s biggest casino is in downtown Manhattan?
Don’t sleep: Wall Street is one big “My company’s better than yours” roll of the dice. Most stockbrokers are just puffed-up bookies. It’s no coincidence some in the trading pits are called runners. And if you’ve ever been on the floor of the NYSE, the CBOT, or the NIKKEI, you’ve seen the pit bosses and security guards. You’ve seen the whales and the sharks gawking at the boards like they’re slot machines or blackjack tables. You’ve seen the suckers and the little fish ready to slit their wrists because they just lost everything on a tip. It’s all gambling. The only difference between The Strip and The Exchange is Wall Street handles more action and attracts uglier women. Vegas might have better drugs and I do mean might.
Personally, I trust the faceless mob families in the gaming industry more than I trust that book-cooking-backroom-deal-cutting Federal Reserve/SEC/FCC/FTC/FDA syndicate. And long as the powers-that-be are running things the odds will never be in your favor, not without inside info. At least in Vegas, Atlantic City, etc. they tell you going in:
The House always wins in the end.
